Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
