If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
