Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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