My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
