I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
Randomize
