Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
