nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
lets start a swedish sibling band together
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
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