Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Randomize
