I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
