Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
It's like a new game! Find out if he's circumcised without actually seeing it
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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