Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
