apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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