i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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