Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
