My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Randomize
