When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
