who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
Randomize
