genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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