he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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