He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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