when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
