I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
