it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
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