I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
