: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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