And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
