i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I just had sex on a roof
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
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