I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
Randomize
