i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
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My ATM looks so different sober.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
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People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.