I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
