don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
Randomize
