My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Randomize
