he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
