I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
If we're going to communicate going forward, you'll need to be versed in Gillian Anderson.
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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