LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
50% drunk capacity currently
Brb crying the tears of my youth
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
