I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
