Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
you mean i was at the winter classic?
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
