if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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