The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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