He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
