Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
Randomize
