i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
I have all the porn. Be there soon
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