i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
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