I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize