dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Well his aunt was in the next room so we had to be quiet. I felt like i was on an episode of silent library.
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
