Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
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