True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
