I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
