my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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