I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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