got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
im about as happy as oj after his trial
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
