I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
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Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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