I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
we were sitting in the bathtub when she came in with her grandpas cane adn beat us until lindsay passed out
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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