Rock
Scissors
Fuck
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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