I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
